What you have when it feels like you have no clothes on anymore.
A couple weeks ago, I almost came home. For those of you who know me, you probably just gasped a little. Coming home wasn't something in my plans for at least a year, and probably more (I thought). I made a point to MAKE this a point by not buying a return ticket home. Gutsy, but I felt this the right and noble thing to do. I'm actually laughing right now.
Basically, things had been tumultuously building to this point, one wall after one dangerously tall wall coming up against me, until two Fridays' ago, I hit my braking point. I was physically sick, broke as a joke, actually broker than a joke, just got "laid off" from my one teaching job, found out getting the Visa was impossible for me due to money AND the owner of my building, and rent should have been paid a week ago. My favorite song during this time was Bob Marleys "every little thing is gonna be alright"....
Because honestly, I haven't been giving it my all here. And going home, EVEN when all the facts said I had every right, it might be the best decision ect., I knew that I wouldn't be happy with myself for not giving it my best effort.
Stripped of money, of my friends being close, of my job, of a community, of confidence, of sleep and of good food, I was left wholly with myself and a very big decision that no one could make for me. Believe it--I wanted to hand off the baton to the nearest person I laid eyes on. Even with advice coming in from every side, I knew that there was work to be done within me, starting from ground zero.
Yes, all of this is very cliche, writing the words almost makes me cringe with the sappiness, but it's so TRUE. I hadn't been myself for months, and this angry, emotional version of me, seemed as foreign as this country. I literally perfected the mean glare that many people carry on their faces around here. This challenge was trying to get the better of me and I was LETTING it, by not taking care of myself and letting my goals and purpose fall by the wayside.
So what knocked the sense back into me?
Honest Friends: You will be welcomed back home, but you were given an amazing opportunity and you can do this. | A Goodnights Rest: realizing the person I need to start with is myself and TAKING CARE OF ME | And knowing this is hard: it's going to take hard work. It's worth it. Sweat a little. |
Job-wise: I have been working on building up a private clientel, and so far it's coming slowly and steadily, transforming into something that is rewarding and can sustain me. And also, I enjoy it! I get to sit and chat over coffee with people who want to converse and add to their vocabulary. I learn about these different cultures through personal conversations, sharing stories and laughs and really, I'm learning just as much as they are. More probably. There have been trying moments, especially with the 4 year old twins with crazy tempers, or with clients that like me to travel to them over an hour away....but I can't complain. I'm lucky.
Goal-wise: I have decided that throwing myself into what I am doing here is the most important thing. I think everything else will fall into place, if you put your whole heart into doing a good job with what you've been given. This means not being afraid of hard work, not shying away from long hours, and embracing the difficulties that come with this opportunity. I may not be here for as long as I originally intended, but by god, while I'm here I will be the best person\teacher I can be.
Personal-wise: The goal setting has also filtered into my personal growth, which I think is what pulled me out of the depressed-like state I was harboring. Eating better, sleeping more, removing negative influences (or taking in a lower dose of things that were really distracting me. AKA Facebook) and working out my mind and body with different healthy activities.
One other thing that has really been pressing itself on me, is using this time to really think about what I want. Like, long term goals. The stuff that takes effort and honesty to figure out. What priorities will my life be surrounded by, and what steps can I take to make them real. For me, this always always ALWAYS comes down to relationships, they are the most important thing in my life. Maintaining them, growing them, adding to them, that always can use some work :)
The Decision to stay here was one of the hardest I have ever made.
I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we're all teachers - if we're willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door.
Marla Gibbs